"It is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day"
Scott Fitzgerald
Life has been really mundane lately. I seem to have absolutely no motivation. On a normal day I would be loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counters, doing laundry and just tidying up the house, but just taking a shower takes will power. While the recent events have definitely weighed in on this, there is something much deeper that I am very hesitant to talk about.
I AM not ashamed of my faith, or my occupation. I am not ashamed of my family (though the definitely embarrass me.)It is depression . . .
Because Whether they're in the church or not, tend to be
unkind toward those who are depressed. There was a recent poll
sponsored by the U.S. National Mental Health Association and half of
those polled said that, even though they or their family members have
suffered from depression, less than half considered it a health
problem, and 43% saw it as a "sign of personal or emotional weakness."
People everywhere seem to have little patience with those who suffer
mentally. Many Christians seem to accept and even be willing to help
those who are physically in need, but at the same time tend to have
less sympathy for those who are depressed.
My father a couple years ago emailed me this sermon and it helped me to see that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that during this tough time is is very real to be going through "dark nights of the soul" but it is nothing to be ashamed of.
I did not have the words at the moment to write but I wanted to let you know what is going on.
A friend and one of my former particpants Sarah Buller, who was a participant in Port
Elizabeth, South Africa, was killed in an automobile accident on
Sunday. And though they're rejoicing in heaven, we're all the poorer
for it.
This is a copy of some of one of Seth Barnes blog enteries .
Her last blog entry
a few weeks ago gives us a picture into her life: "We work with kids
in the townships and I work with babies. Life is good here. some days
are more crazy then others!!! My parents just come to see me! And it
was GREAT! They got to see the whole team. We went to Swaziland a
country with in South Africa. I LOVED IT! My Dad got to see old
friends. I'm in love."
"In love" describes Sarah's life well. She was in love with life
and with those around her. And they couldn't help feeling it. Recently
she got a tattoo on her foot. It said love, and it had a
bunch of stars around it. Each star represented one person in her
family, one for mom, one for dad, and one for each of her eight
siblings (four of whom are adopted). She wanted them to be with her
wherever she went!
The local paper in Minnesota, where she was raised, posted this about Sarah.
If her home-going leaves us overwhelmed by sadness, we have the
consolation of knowing that sometimes God loves us so much, he asks for
our best. And in receiving Sarah into his loving arms, he got the best
we had.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Please be praying for the team in P.E. that she left behind. They are grieving very hard right now and are trying to figure out what to do now, and of course for her family as they deal with this lose.
This verse gives me comfort and a glimpse of understanding. It gives me hope in a day to come.
"Good people pass away; the
godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder
why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the
evil to come." Isaiah 57:1
A million thoughts are running through my head tonight. As I sit in a cold basement, watching the academy awards just trying to grasp this whole entertainment industry. Coming back to America has been an interesting experience for me. With this financial crisis that is facing us, the distinctions between here and there seem to be blurring. Everyday I hear of people losing their houses and their jobs, people destitute, jobs hard to find. Just yesterday I sat at the table and discussed with my father how seniors in college come may are going to have a hard if not impossible task of finding a job, competing with those who have been in their field for years but have recently been laid off.
Fear seems to be a common feeling, around everyone and no one seems to have a solution. But today as I sat in on another message about tithing but thankfully given a different perspective. At first I thought he was going to talk about tithing cause e was worried about money in his wallet but shortly in I realized the opposite was the case, he was worried about the money in our wallets. He talked of tithing as a tool that God has given us for successful budgeting. When we give our tithes and offerings with the right heart attitude are how paradigm shifts toward money.
When we give our firsts to God, a shimmer of hope seems to seep through the bleak days of this horrible recession.
It is our job as Christians to help those who are being weighed down by this economic climate.
First of all, I want to tell you that I am doing good. I enjoy spending time with my family, especially my little 17 month old nephew. He got so big while I was gone, it was so fun to come home and see him walking! It took my about 48 hours to get home. It took me even longer to get re-adjusted to the time change.
Today, at church the pastor talked about the Prodigal son and how God has provided us with the opportunity to have a full and abundant life and how we do not live the kind of life that Jesus has provided us with. I think about how much I have let slip in this month that I have been home. Motivation is gone, the urgency to be in the word is gone, the feelings are gone. But that won't stop me! I will not let myself stay here, I will not sink into complacency. I have grown to much to let that happen.
I am not having a spiritual crisis or anything like that. I have just realized this week how much harder I need to work on my relationship with Christ. Every relationship is work it doesn't matter if it is with a supernatural power or the person sitting next to you.
I sit & gaze up at a mountainous sky and I don't know where to start.
In December of 2005, I decided to go to England with AIM as an FYM. From then on I worked hard to support raise and get myself prepared.
In September 2006, I went to Georgia for the best and worst two weeks of my life. Living in tents, being eaten by fire ants, getting rained on every other day, tromping around in the mud. Being assaulted with things I have never heard of before and being challenged and pushed spiritually, and on top of it all meeting nine new people that I would spend the next nine months with.
From Georgia I went to England where I worked as a missionary from Mid-September to early May, with a month home for Christmas. During my time in England I dealt with and grieved many things that I hadn't had the time or freedom to before. In December I got really bad excema, that is still a problem to this day. Then in March, from all the stress and work I developed bad acid reflex and had to have a restricted diet and still watch carefully what I eat.
The Summer of 2007 I was home deciding whether to go to Georgia and be an intern in the AIM office or go to school in Des Monies. I choose Georgia and worked at Walmart for the remainder of the summer to earn some money.
I worked in the Office from September 2007 to June 2008. I helped out in the admissions department where I did a little bit of everything. The first semester was pretty tough, but after that I enjoyed working and helping AIM out and getting to know their participants.
While I was in Georgia one of the many tasks I was assigned was to recruit leaders for the 2008 FYM program. During that process I decided that was something that I would be interested in doing.
Since September I've been in Jeffreys Bay, South Africa. My role has basically been as an R.A. (which I say stands for Relational Assistant.) I got toliet paper, hand soap, did room checks (made sure their rooms were clean, did curfew checks, discipled two girls, helped lead a small group, lead a ministry team who ministered at 7th Heaven children's haven & helped organize logsitics and drive students around.
As you can tell I have been busy for a long time. At the end of this semester I evaluated what kind of spiritual, emotional and physical health I ws in to continue leading in South Afirca. I have come to the conclusion that I need to take some time for myself, get refreshed. I love the students that I was working with, and would have loved to continue on with what I was doing but I did not feel that was what God had called me to do. I love AIM and would love to work with them again at some point, but right now it just isn't the right fit.
Last year when I worked in the office I
interviewed people to go on the field. One of the questions that I
asked was " Do you have a regular devotion time, and what is that
like?" The answer was mostly the same. It was . . ."well it is
rather infrequent, I have one at least a couple times a week. I'm
excited for when I go on this trip. Because it's really hard for me
to find time now and it will be so easy to find time and really spend
good quality time with him." Unfortunately, quite the opposite is
true. The longer you are on the field, the more you push yourself
into a life of ministry, the busier you get and the harder it is for
you to find time, by yourself with God. Because everything is
centered around God we feel that we are getting two birds with one
stone, but in truth we are just throwing our stone up in the air and
hoping that it will hit something.
To serve God each day we need to spend
time with just God, no other agenda in our minds. We do this to get
refreshed and refilled. It's hard to spend time, there are so many
things to get done. It is so easy to put that at the bottom of my
list, but the truth is it needs to be at the top. It is the most
crucial part of my day, the most crucial part of anyone's day. How
can we ever hope to do anything for God? Without being in tune with
him, and figuring out where his heart is and what he wants to do.
It's like a day without centering it
first on God is just throwing constant stones up in the air, hoping
to hit a bird, but in the process hitting myself and those in close
proximity to me.
I'm very big on freedom in Christ, and
having things not look like a formula, but at the same time I realize
the importance of being filled, restored, and re-aimed each day. I
think that can look totally different to each person. It might just
be a prayer as you walk out the door, or it could be an hour spent in
deep digging in the bible and intense prayer. I don't really care,
but there has to be something.
The other night we were supposed to get
together with a partner and tell them how God has been faithful in my
life. I came to a sudden conclusion that gave me a new meaning to a
perspective of God. I was reminded of how much I love my nephew,
Aiden. Now, I feel I need to do a little explaining here. If anyone
has know me for more than a week in these last two years knows just
how much I love him.
He is my baby, at least that is what I
call him. Aiden is the wallpaper on my desktop. Aiden is my
screensaver. I have three pictures on my wall and two of them have
him in it. I have a picture folder on my computer devoted just to
Aiden. Whenever I get the chance to talk to home I spend half the
time talking with/to him. I love him so much that I think my heart
would explode if I love him anymore.
I had always heard this metaphor before
but it was never real to me. It never really had sunken in. I didn't
have kids. I didn't know what is was like to love someone just
because of who they are. I mean I love my parents and relatives but
it's different when there is never a time when you didn't remember
loving them, and on the hard days to love them you remember that you
have to. But with Aiden everything is different. There aren't any
hard days to love him. There might be days were I'm frustrated with
him, or he is being a real pain, but always an hour after he is
asleep I miss him. I miss his presence and I can't wait until he
wakes back up.
It is hard to even fathom that my God
loves me like that. My God loves me THAT much, actually even more
than that. That is just a drop in the bucket, in comparison to God's
love for me.
This week the girls that go to 7th heaven learned the stories of the children that we are with everyday. It really hit them hard. It turns out that Linda and cornelius have the same mother. Linda ran the house, she washed the diapers and prepared the food, and did all the laundry. Her mother slept with her boss, who once finding out that he had AIDS stabbed their mother. Cornelius was very sick and malnutritioned when Nelly got him, and she saved Linda from going to an institution.
(Picture of Angel below)
Tessa and Ronaldo are brother and sister as well. Their mother had many different boyfriends who were all abusive. Tessa would run to call the police. Because of that the boyfriend started tying Tessa to a tree. Tess would think when tied to the tree that there has to be a better life then this. Their mother ended up getting beaten to death in front of them.
Also, Nelly just got a 1 yr. old named Blessings. (Picture of him to the Right) His mother ran off in Febuary once she found out she had HIV. Then the father didn't want him so he gave him to a neighbor, but then the other day the father told her that she would have to choose between him and the baby (I think they were in a relationship) so she choose the father. So Nelly just went to Court the other day and adopted him.
The girls really took the stories hard. Two of them cried the whole night that they found out. Pray for them as they continue to love on these kids.
I could write a long list of everything that I have done this week. It is safe to say I've done a lot. Without God I would be crazy, stressed out ball, but God provides in miraculous ways. Tomorrow at 8 am, we pull out for Somerset East. We will be there for over a week doing Beat The Drum. Beat The Drum is a Aid's awareness and education program that also teaches about the Love of God. I am super excited to see what God has in store for this time.
Nelly just adopted a baby girl named Angel (or enza). I am pretty sure that I wrote about her in my last blog. Basically her mother was feeding her flour and water, because that was all that she had to feed her. So this 7 month old baby looks more like a 2 month old. She is rapidly improving under Nelly's care, the only thing is Nelly needs quite a lot to care for her. So if you could contact me under the contact me link if you would like to help this little baby out, I could go out and buy things that Nelly needs.
Life has been really mundane lately. I seem to have absolutely no motivation. On a normal day I would be loading the dishwasher, cleaning the counters, doing laundry and just tidying up the house, but just taking a shower takes will power. While the recent events have definitely weighed in on this, there is something much deeper that I am very hesitant to talk about. 
A million thoughts are running through my head tonight. As I sit in a cold basement, watching the academy awards just trying to grasp this whole entertainment industry. Coming back to America has been an interesting experience for me. With this financial crisis that is facing us, the distinctions between here and there seem to be blurring. Everyday I hear of people losing their houses and their jobs, people destitute, jobs hard to find. Just yesterday I sat at the table and discussed with my father how seniors in college come may are going to have a hard if not impossible task of finding a job, competing with those who have been in their field for years but have recently been laid off. 
onger to get re-adjusted to the time change. 
mud. Being assaulted with things I have never heard of before and being challenged and pushed spiritually, and on top of it all meeting nine new people that I would spend the next nine months with. 
posite is
true. The longer you are on the field, the more you push yourself
into a life of ministry, the busier you get and the harder it is for
you to find time, by yourself with God. Because everything is
centered around God we feel that we are getting two birds with one
stone, but in truth we are just throwing our stone up in the air and
hoping that it will hit something.
The other night we were supposed to get
together with a partner and tell them how God has been faithful in my
life. I came to a sudden conclusion that gave me a new meaning to a
perspective of God. I was reminded of how much I love my nephew,
Aiden. Now, I feel I need to do a little explaining here. If anyone
has know me for more than a week in these last two years knows just
how much I love him.
I had always heard this metaphor before
but it was never real to me. It never really had sunken in. I didn't
have kids. I didn't know what is was like to love someone just
because of who they are. I mean I love my parents and relatives but
it's different when there is never a time when you didn't remember
loving them, and on the hard days to love them you remember that you
have to. But with Aiden everything is different. There aren't any
hard days to love him. There might be days were I'm frustrated with
him, or he is being a real pain, but always an hour after he is
asleep I miss him. I miss his presence and I can't wait until he
wakes back up.
could write a long list of everything that I have done this week. It is safe to say I've done a lot. Without God I would be crazy, stressed out ball, but God provides in miraculous ways. Tomorrow at 8 am, we pull out for Somerset East. We will be there for over a week doing Beat The Drum. Beat The Drum is a Aid's awareness and education program that also teaches about the Love of God. I am super excited to see what God has in store for this time.